Friday, 29 December 2006

Presenting: the most useless present of all time

My dad got my mum one of these. Just look at this crazy thing:

Yes, it's what she always wanted. A climate-controlled butter dish that keeps your butter cool enough to stop it going off, but warm enough to spread nice and easily. It gets its power from a base station, but the internal batteries allow it to power itself for up to two hours on the table.

How on earth did people cope before they invented these things?!

The King’s Breakfast
(by Jonny Wright, with sincere apologies to A. A. Milne)

The King asked the Queen, and the Queen asked the Dairymaid:
“Could we have some butter for the royal slice of bread?”
The Queen asked the Dairymaid, she answered “No, Your Majesty,
Refrigerated butter is extremely hard to spread!”

The Queen said “Oh!” and went to His Majesty,
“Talking of the butter for the royal slice of bread,
It has to be kept cool, so as to guard against bacteria,
But butter from the fridge is quite impossible to spread!”

The King said “Bother!”, and then he said “Damnation!”
The King said “Oh buggery!”, and turned a shade of red.
“You’d better tell the Dairymaid to get her arse to Debenhams
And buy a butter cooler, or I’ll punch her in the head!”

The Queen said “Hush, that’s really quite unpleasant,”
She made them all some tea, and put him back to bed.
She went to see the Dairymaid, and sent her off to Debenhams:
“Please buy a butter cooler for the royal slice of bread!”

The Manager of Debenhams received her quite delightedly:
“Why, here’s a butter cooler for the royal slice of bread.
Butter in a cooler, regulated thermostatically,
Is safe from all bacteria, and easier to spread!”

“The clever engineering will surely please His Majesty;
The styling is most tasteful, and the batteries,” he said,
Will last a hundred minutes, and of course they are rechargeable:
Just put it on the charger when the LED goes red.”

The Dairymaid said “Yippee!”, and brought it to His Majesty.
The King said “Butter, eh?” and jumped out of bed.
“Nobody,” he said, as he slid down the banisters,
“Nobody,” he said, as he rifled through the breadbin,
“Nobody, but nobody, could call me a fussy man –
BUT butter from the cooler is far easier to spread!”


Tom Papworth said...

Why that's GENIUS!

Tell me where I can get one.

Or, even better, see if you can get a google ad in your margin. I'll click on it, thus solving all my butter-consistency problems and earning you a tidy sixpence into the bargin!

Andy said...

Let's all save le enviromente....

Jonnysdad said...

Most useless present ideed! If I recall you used it yourself only today and it is functioning perfectly. Any more disparaging comments and you can jolly well use the rock solid butter in the fridge. See how you like it when your royal slice of fresh bread rips to shreds when you try to butter it.

More importantly. your mother rather likes it and it is something of a conversation piece when visitors come.

The poem is cute though. Another parody to rival "The Pobble who had no Clothes".

Alexander said...

Jonny, totally agreed, most pointless prezzie ever. Speaking of which, still need to finish watching that Sophie Scholl DVD.

Still disenfranchised,